The Columbia Heart Beat

Columbia, Missouri's All-Digital, Alternative News Source

Tue03282017

Last update05:00:00 AM

Desktop | Android | iPhone
FacebookTwitterDiggDeliciousStumbleuponGoogle BookmarksLinkedInRSS Feed

Life

THE BLIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS: A Columbia Council Carol

Santa Bob and his six elves

By Parry CoMo


'Twas a night before Christmas and at City Hall,
the Council was meeting and having a ball.

'Twas three in the morning, but no one did care,
as urban chickens and trail projects passed with a flair.

The Mayor settled in for a short winter's nap,
while the police chief snuggled on the city manager's lap.

Then up at the podium there arose a great clatter,
As John Clark rambled ‘bout a very great matter.

His cheeks were all rosy, his suspenders quite tight,
if it weren’t for that timer, he’d have rambled all night.

He pointed at Barbara and Ian and Karl,
who all pointed back with scowls and a snarl.

“Don’t tell us what to do!” said each of these elves. 
"We've got plenty of plans, piled high on our shelves!"

"We need rolling trash carts and high voltage lines,
storm water ponds and high parking fines.

"We need red light cameras and more public art,
huge new garages and more parks, to start.

"Good pensions and salaries we really don’t need;
we’ll pay cops and firefighters with small bags of weed.

"We don’t need good sidewalks, airports, or fluoride.
We need high-speed rail that all students ride.
"

"But how will you pay?" said Clark, with a sniff.
The Council just smirked and said, “With a TIF!”

The Mayor awoke and pounded his gavel.
"Your time is up, Clark!  You need to travel!" 

McDavid took charge and offered two bills,
to pay cops a fair wage and cut out the frills. 

With a motion, a second, and that roll call he knew,
his two bills got killed, voted down 5-to-2.

He pounded his gavel and called them by name.
“Thomas and Skala: You both vote the same.
Schmidt, Trapp, and Hoppe:  You’re all just as lame!”

McDavid was angry -- he wanted to fuss;
Inside he felt empty -- like a Columbia bus.

As the sun rose with dawn, an idea came to pass,
that hit him like falling Garagezilla glass.

"If we pass a big TIF, the law says we need blight.

No one will like it -- remember Blight Fright?

"So I’ll pass a bond issue to give
us some cash.
We’ll redo CoMo from Locust to Ash.

"We'll build a new airport, a high rise or two.
We'll rebuild the canopies and the Niedermeyer, too.

"I'll fix things up here, clean things up there.
No longer will blight give CoMo a big fright! 

"The voters will love me, they’ll shout out my name!
I'll finally be putting ol' Darwin to shame."

The Council all cheered!  The meeting was done!
They galloped outside t
o enjoy the sun. 

"Tax away, tax away, tax
away all!  It's Christmas at last!"
The town cheered and danced. 

"With all this new spending, there will never be blight!" 
"Santa Bob and his elves had a wonderful night!"   


[Ed. Note:  This satirical take on The Night Before Christmas has been floating around social media in various versions.   The "author's" name gives a hint as to where it may have come from.] 

You are here: Home Life Humor THE BLIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS: A Columbia Council Carol

CoMo Calendar

March 2017
S M T W T F S
26 27 28 1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31 1