WISE GUYS: CoMo developers scheme to fleece taxpayers and ratepayers

Potterfield"Never waste a crisis you helped create"

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COLUMBIA, Mo 6/3/18 (Beet Bite) -- Three CoMo developers go into a bar.

 

Larry Potterfield, Dave Parmley, and Bruce Odle.  

Potterfield says to Parmley, "How come you got your TIF, but I didn't get my sewer?"

 

"Helps to have a rooftop bar for City Council campaign parties," Parmley says. "Also helps to patronize the Mayor and be on the board of a quasi-government agency that gave a homeless services contract to -- one of the Council members."

 

"Parm's got all the right moves," Odle says.

"What about you, Bruce?" Potterfield says. "What's your secret?"

 

"Stay outta Boone County," Odle says.  "You won't find me trying to get the city to annex county land. Just the opposite.  My mouthpiece, Jac Cardetti, talked the Council out of moving a sports park to the County Fairgrounds and leaving it in Columbia.  City don't like county.  County don't like city. You too much of a County Boy."

 

"Am not," Potterfield says.  

"Yep," Parmley says. "You gotta build cool shit downtown, like my Broadway Hotel.  Or just shit, like all these student apartments.  But its gotta be downtown.  Gotta provide jobs for at least three months."

"Three months?" Potterfield says. "Is that all?"

"Whose junk you callin' shit, Parm?" Odle says.

 

"LOVE the Brookside brand," Parm says.  "Not too hot on your rooftop party scene.  We got that covered. But love me some Brookside guests." 

 

"Look, boys -- I'm an arms dealer, not a hotelier or a student landlord," Potterfield says.  "I need tailored advice."

 

"I deal arms, too," Odle says. "You know that."

 

"C'mon, Bruce.  You're a traveling salesman."

 

"Guys, guys," Parmley says.  "Look.  I got an idea.  Get Bob Hollis out to Larry's place to do a full empties and spents recon."

 

"Empties and spents?" Potterfield says.  "You mean, like shell casings?"

 Parmley

"No!  I mean, like beer cans, JD bottles, condoms," Parmley says.  "That's how Bob got me my TIF.  Called it the 'seat of his pants and suspenders' method or something.  Like bootstrapping your way into taxpayer pockets. Council was so afraid of having empties and spents laying around, they gave me four million big ones.  I mean, is my Bob a genius or what?" 

"Are you freakin' kidding me?" Potterfield says. "Midway USA is IMMACULATE.  We don't have people drinking and you-know-whatting out there.  That's a city thing."

"I think what my good friend Dave Parmley is trying to say is, never waste a crisis you helped create," Odle says. "Tell the City Council that if you don't get your sewer, your septic lagoons are gonna overflow and flood Columbia with toilet paper and poop."

"That's the can-do spirit," Parmley says.  "Or is it the do-doo spirit?"

"Sounds like do nothing to me," Potterfield says.

"I speak from experience," Odle says.  "Built all these student apartments, then raised the alarm bells about too much flushing.  Next thing ya know, new sewers going in all over downtown.  Need more cops, too, and we're working on that.  What's that old saying again, Parm?"

 

"Never waste a crisis you helped create."

"Helped create, hell," Bruce says.  "We student apartment developers conceived it, birthed it, and nursed it right into higher taxes and utility bills for everybody but us," Odle says.

 

"But I thought when I gave them that land..." Potterfield says wistfully. 

"Bad move, brother," Odle says.  "Be a fighter, not a lover.  Be a taker, not a giver." 

Parmley and Odle exchange a fist bump on that pithy remark. 

"Look, I'm gonna help you out, but I want that new Smith and Wesson Double Barrel Magnum Force single grip shotgun," Parmley says. "Deal?"

 

"That's a tall order," Potterfield says. "Those aren't even out yet." 

Odle"That's why I want one," Parmley says.  "We'll get my Bob -- Hollis, my lawyer, my recon guy -- out to your place, get him in some waders, have him jump into your sewer lagoon -- there aren't any crocs in that lagoon, are there?"

"Crocs?  As in crocodiles?  You are a city boy." 

"No.  Just don't need Bob suing me," Parmley says. "Got enough lawsuits with all those contractors...Anyway, we'll get Bob out there, in just his belt and suspenders and waders, and have him go over your septic lagoon with the finest toothed septic lagoon comb on the planet.  He'll come out of there with all kinds of reasons for the Columbia City Council to get you your new sewer." 

"You'd do that for me?" Potterfield asks. 

"Of course," Parmley says, putting his arm around the older gentlemen's slightly bowed shoulders.  "And if you can't get me the new Smith and Wesson Double Barrel Magnum Force Single Grip shotgun, I've been thinking it might be nice to have my own gentlemen's ranch out in the county..."

 

 

 Ed. Note:  Please refer to Related Articles list for our other Onion-style, satire stories.