ONCE UPON A TIME IN DOLLYHOOD: And you thought CoMo was cray cray

Caution: Lonngggg Summer Ahead

DOLUMBIA, Mo 5/18/25 (Serious Journalism) -- Get home from work the other day to a package on the doorstep with a note about a "gift in honor of your conservative hate Page."

Opened the package, and it's the Liberal Doll. And I'm like, why would someone send a parody of their politics to a Facebook Page they think would hate on their politics with a parody?

Totes didn't make sense.

So my roomies and I chatted over dinner with the doll, talked about AOC running for Prez, watched some Fox News while the doll eye-rolled and fake barfed, then some Rachel Maddow for equal time. Nothing too deep, right?

Roomies went out, I went to bed.

And Liberal Doll?  That's where things got interesting.

DollyHood -- Amy's name for our toy room -- has two toy boxes: one oak, and the other plastic. We've had the oak toy box for a long time and it's pretty full.

So I put Liberal Doll into the much roomier plastic toy box. It's cheap and kinda kitsch, but Amy got it at like an estate sale, so --

Holy CoMoly! Next day, door bell rings, guy with a subpoena. Dollhousing discrimination lawsuit filed against -- US.  

Plaintiff: Liberal Doll.

I'm like, what in the absolute -- ?

So we go to court. And the judge orders that Liberal Doll must be given equal access to BOTH toy boxes. Which of course means she got to go into the over-stuffed oak toy box -- we're talking Raggedy Ann and Andy, Smokey Bear, Buzz Lightyear, Barbie, Ken. And Jill has this collection of horror dolls thrown into the mix.

Next thing we know, there's this huge commotion in the oak toy box. And the Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror on the lid waving his sword and screaming in Zuni as loudly as his murderous little voice could muster.

Jill opens the oak toy box and out jump the two dolls we spent like a month trying to make peace between: Chucky and Megan (e turned into a 3 on her brand label).

M3GAN

Jill's like WTF, u guys?

Turns out Liberal Doll has started a tenants union! And Megan has this list of demands. Chucky -- he's -- I mean, just look at him. He's mega MAGA. And I'm sorry,
I mean -- I hate to say this, but Chucky is a total male chauvinist pig.

Oh. My. Gawd.

This whole Chucky-M3GAN thing. It started when he was making comments about her,
I don't know -- her ASS. There. I said it. And I mean, you guys know Megan. We caught her trying to rip Chucky's ears off. We're like, can't you guys chill out for a single second? Jill wanted to drop a few F bombs, but Chucky gets high on those so we had to play it cool.

Anyway, all this WAS resolved -- until Liberal Doll.

Now -- every doll has a grievance. Smokey has decided he's a BOC. We're like, Smoke -- you're a brown bear, aka NOT a minority in the Bear community.

And Barbie -- she's now accusing Ken of sexual harassment after sixty years of Barbie and Ken. "Me Too?! I thought it was Us Two." Poor Ken.

The other night, over too many glasses of cheap Cab, me and the roomies decided we needed a real leader to calm shit down and we needed her or him right NOW.

And I'm like, why not The -- you know. Everyone started cracking up until desperation hit. So Jill called Dolumbia City Hall next day and they're like, "The Mayor? Yeah, we'll share her!  She LOVES to travel."

And we thought our troubles began with Liberal Doll.

Suddenly, our water looks like -- pee. Two homeless dolls showed up and started panhandling at the bottom of the stairs (huge trip hazard). And we're talking about a DEI hire to supervise toy box equity (the D stands for Doll, of course).

A purple hair dye stain got on my brand new white bath rug. And the chaos level has tripled! Megan calling Chucky a wannabe oligarch Nazi runt, Chucky calling Megan the perfect technology for libtards: artificial unintelligence.

And the Troll doll I got for the Facebook page is calling everybody names. "Don't troll me, bro!" I heard Chucky yell, right before the garbage disposal made a sick grinding sound.

This morning, I woke up to Smokey leading a Bear Lives Matter protest outside our house. And the Zuni Fetish Doll demanding equal rights for voodoo rites. What??

Then today at lunch, Amy was laughing at this doctored "Official Presidential Portrait" on her phone. I checked it out and started laughing, too. Pretty soon, Megan's looking over our shoulders and yucking it up when her usual expression is psycho dead eyes.

Chucky hears all this and freezes in his kill-and-skedaddle tracks the second he sees the picture (and Megan dialing down her belly laughs to a dissy snicker).

Before we knew it, ALL the dolls were enthralled. Buzz was like, "he's not running NASA now is he?" Barbie laughing her ass off, Ken sulking, Smokey was like, I think I'll put him on my BLM banner!

The end result: all the dolls were caught in one of those standoffs with a politically-incorrect name. I mean, Megan called the picture Dumb Donald and Donald --uck once or twice, but that's as far as it went.

One side was too embarassed to protest, the other just as embarassed, but for -- the other side. You know that feeling. "I kinda feel sorry for Chucky," Megan whispered into my ear. "I mean, that's his hero."

M3GAN feeling sorry for Chucky? That's YUGE!

So Amy added the "Presidential Portrait" to our flat screen digital wall frame, where it loops with Chucky's movie posters, an autographed Margot Robbie photo, and Smokey's latest PSA: Only YOU can prevent warming fires.

Clinking glasses of 2 buck Chuck over the calm we had cleverly restored, we jumped in unison when we heard: "Even at my worst, I'm still the best!"

Oh no! Doctored Donald can talk!

"And I'm the f-- ing Mayor!" From the oak toy box. "Go ahead. Try and recall me!"

One longggg summer, coming right up.